new year new me baby

The crack of a firework, in the yard separated from the pavement you're walking down by a splintered fence, around the corner from the bus stop

You feel the vibrations in your ears, ringing, still, on the bus ride home, the 67 from Stoke Newington to Wood Green, the 221 towards Edgeware. 

 

The crack of bone breaking, an explosion centred between your eyes (you hear him 'oh shit' behind you but you're already walking away). The blooming as a flower unfurls, dripping, warm, thin. You can't breathe properly, but this is a familiar feeling. You can't breathe properly, but it usually gets stuck further down than this, heart, chest, throat. 

 

The crack as your nose is pushed back into alignment by dr qiao, after an hour of drinking bitter herbal tea made sweet with honey, shivering, even though you're still wearing your winter coat. Grateful that you cannot understand the conversation around you because it means you do not have to contribute. Soo translates, wearing a furry hat that makes her look like an anime character, and having her there makes the whole breathing thing easier. You catch a few words, bizi (nose), nai nai (grandmother), shen me (what), and then you lie on the chair and think about getting your wisdom tooth cracked in half and pulled from your jaw earlier this year. This body has been through a lot. This body is tired.

The next morning you wake up and see an imposter in the mirror, the swelling between your eyebrows making you into a cheap imitation of the real thing. The following morning you wake up with an angry purple mark beneath your left eye, to match your bruised ego and bruised heart. 

 

Its midnight but the sky is bright enough it feels more like sunrise, which is apt, you think, 

what is new year's day but the sun rising over a new year, a crown, a beginning, a first page

You are trying really hard to feel good, excited, happy - the sky is big and wide above you. 

And, as the night turns and the trees along the boundary of the marshes light up, gently, 

you're surrounded, suddenly, by a string of flashing light and colour, and you think about the people around you, stuffing grapes into their mouths as you count to 12 and you think, maybe, you might be close.